carmela david

Why some good things never last.

I think about why sometimes, simply my existence inflict pain in other people without me knowing, or without being intentional, or conscious about it. I feel as if I have been born with a curse, a type of trouble where I can’t fully be happy, or make someone happy, without making other people unhappy. I wonder why sometimes, people expect so much from me that even though no matter what I do, no matter how I try to make myself better, I can’t give each & everyone what they want. I wonder why no matter I try not to cause inconvenience, I still end up hurting someone, & in most instances, more than just someone. I wonder why just about every single time, I start to get comfortable with a person, start to get an appropriate feeling to open up about my heartaches, my quandaries, my success, my mistakes, any little thing, any big thing, something happens in between the conversations, & for some reason, it changes everything. The pure & platonic aspect just subsides, most of the time, without a warning. So it’s almost always too late. I never meant for you to fall for me. I never intended for you to open up as much as you have. I never meant to captivate you with my words, my interpretation to everything, my passion, my love for everything & my attitude towards most things. In addition, you knew from the very start my heart belongs to one person & that person only. And I’m sorry not because I believe I brought you pain, sadness. I apologize because I was blinded & honestly did not see it coming. You have made you decision to never have anything to do with me & I respect that & believe it’s for the best. Its true when they say, when reality steps in, the dreaming ends. No matter how much we try, some good things never last. I learned  a lot from you just as how I learned from every single person who ever walked into my life. Forever will I remember the things you have uncovered both about life & about love. I am grateful for showing me the good things I have failed to see about myself. I am thankful for that fact that an insightful person like you still exist in this world. Though I regret the fact that things didn’t go the simpler way, but in a way I’m still happy. Now I wonder why I thought I gained a good friend, maybe you’re right. I was never considered a friend. You can’t lose something you never once had. I guess it’s just another one bites the dust. But even though that’s the case, I still hope for the better & wish you the best.

-Carmela

iamaproblem:

” I miss a lot of things about you, how crazy you are on the phone, the talks we had, knowing about your family and life. Your amazing and you help me realize a lot things about myself. You are women with such a complex personality that you are almost endearing with a touch of being a beautiful mess.

Your beautiful in personality and a live wire although you always seem that your a work in progress your perfect as is and that is what I realized. Your love is something you can call home and even at your youth you see the world in such a beautiful way because you smile at the problems that life gives you. You have the world at your fingers and you should know that every person you interact with leaves knowing that they met someone so special that they come away scratching their heads in awe about such a beauty in looks and personality. It’s every small thing about you that made you special and your insecurities, the love of your family and how loyal your friends would be. I feel theres so much more of life you need to learn but your going to be an amazing women.

I simply miss you and because of that your giving me courage to be a better person as long as you know this I hope you feel that I always did love you and no matter what I did it was because of you, everything on here is written for you to help you know that you’ve made me strong. You gave me faith and you turned my dark days in to my brightest days. Thank you so much with so much love to you I never regretted anything because It was special to me.”

For Carmela

*tears, thank you

Beautiful Mess.

*repost, I’m so uninspired to write lately.

I would never be that woman that will ever have flawless, straight hair. Or will I ever have those gorgeous, perfect curls. I always have messy, wind blown hair. I will never be that woman that can never wear anythingstylish, or designer & elegant, I’m too clumsy, it’s almost certain I will ruin the fabric by spilling something on it. I’m that woman who’s comfortable in a t-shirt & shorts, or skinny jeans & plain v-necks. I’m very disorganized, sometimes, most of the time, but never succeed in using and maintaining a planner, or my white board in the kitchen, or my corkbord next to my desk. Yet, organizing is one of my main jobs at work. I forgetappointments almost every single one, even the ones that are made a couple of days ago. I always, always lose my keys, my cellphone & sometimes my wallet. I’m that woman you see carrying groceries on both hands with her cellphone ringing & she couldn’t find it, trying to fish for her keys, but no luck. In panic, she drops cans of corn or soup & she’s now picking them up in the parking lot, while the cans are rolling & rolling away…

I can be a mess, I know. My life is not always together as much as I want it to be. I breakdown sometimes, I feel like a loser & that God is playing tricks on me, picking on me every now & then. Despite this, I know that this is the real ME. Slowly, I am starting to realize that I’m just really that simple, ditsy, tomboy-ish woman that has a complex personality & a bit of irony in her.

I’m a mess, but I know I’m a beautiful one.

Carmela

To all the hearts I've broken.

I still believe that one day, each & every one of them will look at me & remember the joy, the laughter, the beautiful memories we have shared together & forget the pain & misery I put them through. I still believe that one day, I will learn the value of the word s o r r y, I will learn to apologize & I will learn to lessen my pride that imprisons me inside this anger, this resentment. I still believe that one day, each & every mistake, each & every heartbreak I have caused, will be forgiven, not only forgotten. I still believe that I can mend those many bridges I have torn, as much as I can mend those many hearts I’ve scorned. I still believe that one day, some day, in some way. I will be forgiven. If there’s any way…

-Carmela

Sometimes.

* to remind me how stronger I am now, compare to how I used to be.

There are moments when you realize how precious your life is. How muchhappiness the people around you bring & how lucky you are to have each & every material thing you need in your posession. Those mornings you wake up & think how blessed it is to see another morning. Another eventful day to write down in one of the meaningful chapters in your book.

But not everyday, is THAT day.

A lot of times you think about the friends you have left & the friends that left you. How many of them are still there, how many actually stuck around. Are they always there for you? Yes, for the most part, but you start to realize they have their own lives too. Sometimes you wanna call, you want to e-mail, you want to meet up, but something’s stopping you. Not because you don’t wanna open up anymore, just because you don’t wanna add on to their problems, to their stress, to rub off the negativity. So, “I’m doing great!” is always seem to be the answer to every how are yous & how you beens. Then you start to wonder how funny 2 strangers become friends, but it gets less funnier when two best friends become merestrangers.

At times you find yourself staring at the ceiling, random thoughts running through your mind. All these emotions bottled up inside, you want to scream, you want tocry, your eyes wouldn’t let you, your voice is all choked up inside. Sometimes, you just want to write it down. You write a letter, without knowing who it’s for. You’re mad, sad, aggravated, but mostly overwhelmed. So here you are sitting, writing the 6th page of a letter without a name, your wrist starts hurting, but you go on, only to find out your tears seeped through the paper, erased words, and ruined the ink. So here you go again, signed up either Tumblr, or Blogspot, or Livejournal just to jot down how your day was, how you feel at that given time or moment. To spill out your soul, even though people tend to criticize you or mistake you for wanting attention, or wanting people to feel sorry for you. So sometimes, you just hit backspace, or cancel, and just post a mere picture of flowers, or dresses, or shallow things, hoping that something will make you forget about everything, even for a little while.

Then suddenly, you feel as if you’re becoming your own bestfriend. You find yourself just doing whatever you think you should be doing, but confused, lost & a little dumbfounded. You still don’t know where to go, you still wonder who you are. You still look at your face infront of a mirror, with a big question mark written on your face. Who the fuck am I?

Most of the time, you settle for less. You know you are capable of something more, such as a new job, new career, new major. But no, you don’t wanna be selfish &inconsiderate. You don’t want to be that girl who can get no satisfaction, that girl who’s ungrateful & unappreciative. So, you rather stay still & deal with themediocracy, but in the end, you’re just punishing yourself. You’re not selfish.There’s nothing ever wrong in wanting more for yourself.

Sometimes, you get these irrational thoughts in your head. You trust they don’t happen, but all the insecurities and negativities tend to rub off on everything else, even you love life. Your relationship is far from perfect, but you have been therealest. Sometimes you get these ”too good to be true” thoughts, that lead you to be even more insecure & you realize you keep putting your guard back up. Your scared that one day you wake up with the one you love right next to you, only to wake up with an cold & empty left side of the bed the next. You start to wonder why people fall deep in love only to fall out faster. Then you start to convince yourself it’ll get better. In the back of your head, you know both of you deserves only thebest.

Sometimes, you feel far too ego-centric. Thinking there’s so many other problems going on in the world. Then you feel so inconsiderate & thoughtless, & insensitive for having these thoughts, these emotions. Sometimes you just wanna keep quiet, but it’s never enough. Sometimes, you cry in the shower, at least the watershadows over your tears. Sometimes you bury your face in the pillow, you scream, & cry, you cry until you fall asleep. Sometimes you pray to God, asking for refuge, then you stop & think because you realize, you only call out to Him when you need something. So you apologize & feel bad, & feel less of yourself. Then you start to wonder why you live in a world full of ficticious stories, or happily ever afters,when you know happines is never guaranteed. Sometimes.

- Carmela David

For my girls.

You are amazing. Every single day. You are a strong redefined person who’s willing to take the risk of falling in  love, giving him everything & more, and when you failed, you kept going and kept fighting. & when you realized you deserved so much better, you wouldn’t settle for less. It was never you, it was him. So let it be all him. You are amazing. You became the better person. He left you, he lost you & now you got, a brand new, better & wiser you. You have already cried those nights, you have already lost sleep for days, you were broken, you have fallen apart, you have fallen into pieces. You are amazing. You took those pieces, faster than you thought you could, put them back together & you continued rising, shining, brighter like the sun in a hot summer day. You are amazing. You lost, but gained so much more than what you had before. You show your wounds, you expose your scars, because you let people know that you would not be who you are, without them. & here he comes, running back to you. You now know what is good & what’s bad for you. It’s your choice, & no matter what that is, never ever forget the reason why you are THIS amazing.

-Carmela

The Love Hate Thing.

(wrote this a few months ago)

I just want to be real with you. I’m not here to pretend I’m sweet, charming, I’mromantic, ideal, I’m not. I don’t ‘sugarcoat’ my feelings, make my emotions more appealing in hope to draw attention and captivate you. I’m not that woman who can manage to check-up on you, call you or text you every other hour or so, I definitely have a full plate in process. Whenever I feel the need to be with you, I’m missin’ you, you won’t ever realize I’m longing for your touch, and yearning for the sound of your voice. I have my way to make you feel unimportant. You WILL think I’m a bitch, there’s no way you wouldn’t think I am one. I could be cold & heartless. I don’t ever wear my heart on my sleeve. I fall out faster than I fall in. You will love me one day, & hate me the next. I will be your biggest problem.

You ask why I’m this way… I have been hurt so many times, not just by past love but by family, by friends. I find it love very ironic because the way I think, love makes you feel so compassionate, and sensitive, and passionate. At the same time, love made me feel so heartless and prideful. I might come off as unemotional because of my dignity, my principle. But then again, it’s better to lose your pride with someone you love, then lose someone you love for your useless pride. It’s true, I’m an irony in motion. I contradict myself most of the time but thats because I’m a work in progress, everyday of my life. It takes a lot of trial and error for me to solve. Everyday is always a new day for me, a new set of problems, a new set of tests. I could be very enigmatic and most of the time,incomprehensible. I am hardheaded, opinionated, relentless & I will definitely say what is on my mind, things that could hurt you, things I sometimes wouldn’t mean. I am very hard to get a long with because of my rebellious, persistent personality. I’m easy to please, but difficult to be with. That’s just because I simply am. The simple girl with not so simple personality. A lot of times, I am the definition of complicated, of complex, but profound. I will make you smile, laugh one day & make you cry the next. I can fill your heart with great bliss, only to shred it into pieces, to tear it far apart right in front of my very eyes. That’s how cold & heartless I can be. Maybe, we need to feel agony, anger & displeasure before we could feel love. Maybe, we need to know what HATE is, in order to appreciate whatLOVE is. Can you blame me? I’m a combination of my memorable, perplexing past and a recovering future. It’s all about trying to make your self better right?PROGRESS. I don’t hold grudges and resent, I really don’t. It may sound cliche but,I forgive, but it’s hard for me to forget. I’m a giant puzzle. An unsolved mystery from day to day. A maze that has a long way around me, an oblique, winding path into my mind & soul. I maintain a boundary, a border. I keep my guard up & I have learned not to let just anyone get close to me, get the best of me. I’m bittersweet. I’m a quandary. I’m trouble. I’m me. & just like a good friend would say, “Carmela, you think I’m a problem? You’re a fuckin’ problem”.

& When.

When you don’t expect me to be sweet & loving all the time. When you always seem to understand to keep your distance whenever I’m not at my best. Whenever things between us seem to go wrong, you remind me “over & over, until we get it right”. When I try to let go, you make me remember how much of the good times we have, more than the bad. When you forget anniversaries, just ‘cause you say every day is a special one for you & me. When you tell me that after all these years, you still could not fully read me, yet I you are the only person who seem to get me. When you give me a hard time, when I give you a harder time. When you respect my decisions & my individuality. When you realize that each mistake I make, is a chance for me to learn & grow. When we’re fighting each other, as well as fighting for each other. When you tell me you’re in love with me out of the blue. When you call just because you are needing to hear the sound of my voice. When you laugh, when you smile, when you push my hair back so you can kiss my forehead. When everyday, I find new things to fall in love about you. When we laugh at silly things, like silly girls. When you hold my hand when things are good, holding them tighter when it gets bad. When you don’t ever promise me anything. When you don’t promise me forever. When you can only guarantee to love me the best you can today, the kind of love you know now & with hope that you & I will still feel the same, or even greater, day after day. I love you.

-Carmela

Used to be.

There are times I stop & look through my phone, and see the ones on my contact list that I used to have hours & hours of conversations with, about things that mattered as well as things that didn’t, people who used to know my number my heart, and who’s number I used to know from the top of my head. There are times I stop & flip through old friends on face book, we have always been ‘connected’ but we never seem to see how we’re doing, or keep in touch, or even a simple hello, it’s heartbreaking cause when you think about it, we used to know everything about each other, what we did, how we felt, how we were doing, every single day. There are times I stop & think if the people that used to be there, whether I needed them or not, still think about me and think about how things used to be. There are times, I just wonder.

Carmela

Simple things.

Simple things like he thinks I look as beautiful in my pajamas, a faded t-shirt, no make-up with my thick glasses on as much as I look when I had just finished getting ready for work. Simple things like he knows I’d appreciate groceries & him cooking more than taking me out to a fancy restaurant. Or getting us both ice cream, not flowers. Simple things like him writing me a three page love letter instead of picking a greeting card from Hallmark ‘cause he always say “I don’t need a stranger telling you how I feel about you”. Simple things like he wakes up extra early on his day off to make me breakfast while I’m still passed out, when he knows he is free to sleep in & get some more rest. Simple things like, he doesn’t have to take me out somewhere special, we can just watch NBA, UFC or Family Guy while I do my homework. Simple things like he calls to let me know he’s going out with his friends, going out drinking, etc. Simple things like he doesn’t give me a reason to doubt him & although he knows majority of my friends are men, he never fails to show his trust. Simple things like I can say so little words without having to explain, but he just understands. Simple things like the I love you & I miss you texts throughout the day, kisses before work, tight hugs after a long day of work, and falling asleep on his chest. Simple things that defines us.

Carmela

When love fails.

Some time ago, I ran into the quote “Love fails us, that’s because we fail love first”. At that time, I never fully understood what that saying meant, as far as my own interpretation. Love fails at least more than once in our lifetime. Love isn’t perfect. Never was, never is & never will it ever be. I believe it is bound to happen to each & everyone of us. Sometimes, we tend to focus too much on the bitter love past has brought us. Therefore, somewhat, somehow along the way, the fear of falling in love, the fear of beingin love, the fear of mere LOVE dictates our paths into building us closed guarded walls. Leads us to running & hiding to the sole thing we know deep into our hearts we truly desire. To be honest with you, at one point I thought I have grew cold hearted, I thought I never wanted to be vulnerable for love. I thought I would never let love back into my very heart, my very soul. Just because love has broke me in the past, just because love left awful & painfulmemories, just because love, or what I thought was love had failed me so many times in my life, does not mean I am not going to continue believing in love. Love may have failed us, and we may have failed love, but it wecontinue fighting for love, I trust love to continue fighting for us.

Carmela (written for my one & only)