Love is more than just boxes of chocolates & bouquets of flowers & jewelries and diamond, presents. It is about you thinking you’re giving nothing but to them it’s everything. Love overlooks money & fails to look at all the material things. It is more than just saying sorry and forgiving.

Love is about learning from your mistakes & trying not to make the same ones over and over. Love is about disregarding all the differences behind, and not bringing them up again. Love does not hold a grudge, because love, you forget all that painful things & move on to the better things. 

Love is more than just holding hands when things are good, but holding them tighter when things are bad. Love is more than just saying ‘I love you’ during the good times and happy times, but being able to say the same phrase, with the same meaning during angry times, and in times of distress.

Love is more than just about your partner, but it is more about you and about God. Like they say, if you haven’t found God, you haven’t found love.

- Carmela David (2009) 

Everyday is different. Everyday is a mystery. Everyday is a whirlwind of spontaneous and uncontrolled circumstances and events. One moment, it feels like you are on a cloud 9, sitting on top like you’re the king or queen of the world. The next, you feel like your world just shatters in a million pieces and you can’t even begin to explain how to start picking up the fragments of your misfortune.

Everyone needs you. Everyone needs something from you. Everyone calls out to you. Little do they know, you’re also in the midst of finding elucidation to your very own situation. Damn, you may even be in a worse hole than they are digging themselves in. They just don’t know it. No one else knows it but you.

But you’re thankful. You’re blessed because despite the current distress and ordeal you are going through, there’s one person at the end of the day who’s willing to fight the battle with you. Thank you, love.

I remember now, because it went from my heart feeling like it was going to jump out of my chest when I saw your name pop up on my little flip phone, to falling in love and telling you I do, under my breath, barely conscious, to that ridiculous, my heart really starts aching after spending days with you and we’d have to separate for a few hours kind of loving you and that it hurts ‘cause I will miss you, even though I’ll see you in a little bit.

Was it a year ago? Actually, try almost five years ago. Your love still makes me want to reenact that day we ran into each other at the mini mart. I love that day so much that I would purposely dehydrate myself so I can pass out and hit my face on a brick flower box, get stiches, just so I can again “coincidentally” run into you again at the store. You’re the kind of love that makes me believe in “you hang up, no you hang up” kind of conversations, Noah and Allie and listening to Incomplete by Sisqo over and over, because I remember that one time years ago, drunk dialed me and started singing that song to me on the phone.

It’s electrifying. It’s amazing. It’s frightening. It’s – uh… everything I can barely even start to explain. Everything you do just makes me want you even more. Everything you do just makes me fall even deeper. I miss you now, and I know I am about to see you soon. It’s crazy to a point it doesn’t make sense, but most of the time, it’s one of the only things in my life that does.

Years ago, I took a risk. It’s always a risk when it comes to love. I doubted the existence of this in a long run. It wasn’t easy to open up to someone. It wasn’t easy to let the walls down and show my true emotions, to be truthful about my feelings and to be defenseless and vulnerable to say the least. I took that risk because love, real love, justifies that type of stake. I knew I made the right decision with you then. And I am even more sure as hell I did, now.

- Carmela David

I could never look at another girl the way that I look at you. I can never imagine being with someone else even if it’s just to pretend.  Not once I’ve ever thought about cheating on you because the thought of causing you an ounce of pain will bring me to my knees in tears. The thought of another girl with their hands wrapped around me brings a great deal of pain to my heart because that could only mean you’re no longer in my life.

These lips will never touch another, they only long for that special taste. I’ll die if you ever take away that look only you can give me. I miss the way you stare at me when I’m not looking and I can see your smile through the corner of my eye. I miss your random hugs and kisses on the neck. You seem to know the right time when I need them the most.

I miss your touch, because not once I ever allowed anybody else to touch what is rightfully yours. I’m tired of reaching over to my right in the middle of the night only to be disappointed when you’re not there. I long for the days when we use to cuddle during a cold winter night to keep warm. The way I tuck you in before I leave, kiss you on the forehead and tell you how much I love you.

In reality, anything can happen and life is too short to take you for granted. You are the only girl that ever made me feel butterflies, make my heart sink to my stomach when I see you coming towards me because I know in the next few moments I’m going to hold my world.

I miss our random conversations that leaves us laughing for hours.  We can lay in bed for hours and it’ll be perfectly okay as long as we’re together. I miss the way you sleep on my chest as I listen to your heartbeat.

When you’re happy, I’m on top of the world and when you’re sad, I feel like a failure. I miss your innocence, your kind heart, the little girl that is stuck inside crying for help. I miss everything about you and the simpler times.

I love you and will continue to do so until my last breath. I’ll do all this for you, endure everything for you, keep throwing stuff at me and I’ll keep catching them.

In the end you’re not just an ordinary girl, you are my girl.

- J.S.

When shit hits the fan, I tend to look back at the past & how it used to be. I tend to reminisce on just how easy going it was, on how beautiful, how carefree & most of all, how perfect things were. But when reality sinks in, I know my dreaming pretty much needs to end.

Let’s face it; things do not change over night, as much as things don’t always stay the same. The only thing that is constant is change.

I can name a thousand things that I miss since the “honeymoon stage”. But in reality, even that gets old too. We need to understand that love isn’t always about the laughter, the lovey-dovey-sweet-like-candy things or the good times because honestly, for the most part, love is just as much as it is when it’s the opposite of romance. It is when we find the differences in each other. We find love in between the arguments, the everyday battle, the bad and the ugly.

We all wake up one day, look at our partner and realize that the romance has subsided a little and the more significant matters settle in the relationship. At one point or another, we need to accept the reality that when the boat starts rocking and the fighting starts to begin, in turn, not only do we start fighting with each other, we also learn to fight for each other.

Stop loving the ghosts of the past because there’s not a thing that’s perfect, as much as there’s not a thing that’s permanent.

The past no longer exists.

Just appreciate & focus on what you have right here, right now. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Finding that fire and holding on to that flame is the biggest challenge. When we fight for that, that’s when the stage of love really begins.

So with that being said, challenge accepted. 

-Carmela David

Hey, you look very nice today. I see you decided to straighten your hair today, you must’ve not had enough time to curl it like yesterday. Yea, of course I noticed, I notice when you cut it an inch shorter to get rid of the split ends or when you color it a darker shade of brown.

I see you got some new earrings. They go well with the necklace you bought last week. I’ve never seen that jacket or those boots on you before, they must be new. You smell a little different today also, you must’ve bought a new lotion or perfume.

Give me a kiss, you taste a little different. Is that a new lip gloss? You see, I notice all the little things that you do for me, my only fault is that I never took the time to tell you that I noticed. I know everything about you and I notice every little detail about you. I might not tell you but every time you change your hairstyle or change your scent, I notice.

I notice all the changes in your mood. I can tell when you’re happy and I can tell when something is bothering you. I can read your text messages and know exactly how you’re feeling. There’s nothing that you can hide from me. I can tell the exact emotion you’re going through by the sound of your voice. I can tell when you call and your having a bad day.

I can see the twinkle in your eyes when you call me on the phone and tell me that another dentist told you that you were going to be successful in the future. Whenever you want to cry, I can tell. You see those big dark sunglasses you always wear? They are not dark enough to cover the tears in your eyes. I can read you like an open book partly because I help wrote who you are today.

You can never lie to me, I always know when you’re not telling me the truth. Behind that beautiful smile, comes a great deal of pain. How do I know that? I helped create some of that pain. But behind that sad exterior, there’s a happy little 17 year old girl waiting for her turn to come shine again.

You want to know how I know you so well?

I am a big part of your personality. I helped create the woman you are today, nobody knows you better than I do. The crazy part about all this is, you barely even opened up to me yet. There’s so much more I want to learn about you. You want to know another crazy thing?

I know you can say the same thing about me…

- J.S. 

“I will never let another man take care of you.”

Never will I forget the moment you uttered those words to me. And you stand by those words every single day for almost five years now. And I know I’ve tested that and I’ve tested you, but no matter how much I tried to invalidate it, you are still standing here, still standing by those words, still proving to me that you’re the only man that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

The more I believed that reality, the more I understood something in myself as well. I will never let another woman love you the way I do.

I still want to be the reason why you wake up with a huge smile in the morning, with the first sight of me as I lay waking up next to you. I still want to be that woman you make coffee and cook breakfast with while we get ready, just so you can make sure I am full to take on another long day of work and school. I still want to be that woman you see carrying a cup of Starbucks coffee when you look up, showing up to your work without notice, just because I know you are having a terrible day. I still want to be that woman you patiently wait for hours outside the office, just so we can have a quick lunch or dinner before the next part of our day starts.

I still want to be the one you open the car door for, ‘cause even though it might be a little outdated, you pride yourself in being the gentleman that you’ve always been to me. And I still want to be that woman that holds your hand while you drive, smiles at you, turn the radio on and when a Goo Goo Dolls song comes on, sing with you with just as much passion like that night we saw them in concert. I still want to be the one you run to when something happens, whether it’s something big or small. I still want to be that woman you try so hard to motivate and support throughout my career, the woman whose independence is respected and the woman you aren’t ashamed to show off to the world.

I still want to be the woman you listen to when I ramble about Organic Chemistry, or my Abnormal Psychology class or even about that new intraoral cameras that I saw at the last CDA Dental Convention, and even though your brain may be fried after having a long day yourself, you still listen and reply with, “Of course. That’s amazing”, all because you know it will make me feel better even though in reality, you did not understand shit. And believe it or not, I still want to be that woman you bug while I do homework ‘cause you finished yours, only because you are dying for a kiss. And even though I pretend I am mad you broke my concentration, I am glad that you did, because in reality, it just made me want to try hard to finish it even sooner.

There are so many things I still want to be and so many things I am planning to do. One thing that I am sure of is that, from this day forward, I know that I want you to be the man I share all of the experiences we are about to go through. I want to be the woman to make you happy and to pick you up when you are sad. I want to be the woman who stands by your side and the one to protect you just as how you protect me. I want to love all of your flaws, to accept your imperfections and make amends when we know it’s towards the right direction. I want to be the woman your mother runs to when she can’t get through to you, just as how mine does to you, when she can’t get through to me. I want to be the one you agree to disagree with, I want to be patient and I want to be the one who works with you, through any walks of life we are bound to face. I want to be that one woman for you, your best friend, you lover and your partner through everything. I want to and I am going to because I realized, I would never let another woman love you the way I do. And that is my promise.

Carmela David

“There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with” - Harry Crews

At the age of one and a half years, I was diagnosed with a congenital hip bone dislocation. It [generally refers to delayed or defective development of the hip joint leading to a deranged articular relationship between an abnormal acetabulum. If the condition goes undetected at the newborn stage, eventually the affected leg will look shorter than the other one, skin folds in the thighs will appear uneven, and the child will have less flexibility on the affected side. When he starts to walk, he’ll probably limp, walk on his toes, or “waddle” like a duck.] (Source)

Although I do not remember anything from it, I knew it was one of the most difficult tests God presented to my parents, especially the fact that they were only in their mid-twenties at the time. Based upon their stories, the 9-hour surgery wiped out most of their savings. From the money they’ve received on their wedding day, to the money saved up to get a house. Gone.

The surgery was a 50:50 chance of survival, as I’ve been told. Considering my age, the risk, and the fact that 20 years ago, they might not have had the greatest medical equipments in the Philippines to undergo such procedures, nor surgeons, if you compare it elsewhere. I had a metal planted on my hip to aid the growth of my bone. Lots of hospitals. Lots of doctors. Lots of stitches. Radio graphs. X-ray rooms. Anti biotic. Half body cast. People who just felt nothing else but sorry for me. And every single day, I am reminded of such condition and the whole ordeal when I see myself in the mirror.

I have a scar that is about 20 inches from my pelvic region, down to my upper thigh. Yes, I hide it. Yes, it’s scary looking. And yes, people made fun of it. I have always resented my body for it. “I can’t wear a bikini when I swim. I can’t wear short shorts. No guy will ever look at me, and like me. i will never get married. Everyone will just feel sorry for me. I will be labeled as - disabled”. I hated it.

Over the years, though, I have grown to forget that I have it. Until recently, when I ran across the quote, “There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with” And this scar made me remember the kind of parents mine are to me. Then I realized, over the years, I have not only forgotten about the scar, but I have forgotten what the “scar” was all about.

Physically, yes, it left a mark. It may have been painful. It may have been a battle, to both me and my parents. But overall, the scar was more of a symbol of love, more than it’s a symbol of pain. It’s more of a symbol of unselfishness, of unconditional love, of responsibility and of sacrifice.

I realized, my parents did not have to be so selfless and just let me live life walking like a waddling duck. It was more of a social-threatening condition, more than it is a life-threatening one. I would have lived a disabled life, but yet, it is still a life. Nevertheless, my mom and dad wanted so much more for me. Not only did they provide me a normal life, but one that is exceptional.

My mother said that the day I was in the operating room, my dad was crying almost the whole time I was in surgery. He couldn’t stand seeing his baby girl in pain. I’ve never seen my dad cry until my teenage years. I brought him pain due to some of my misbehavior. Is this how I repaid them for all their sacrifices?

I am not perfect, which may be a lame excuse for my actions, but, we all go through it, right? My scar may be visible, but it healed. It is concealed. The scar I left my parents for hurting them, will always be a symbol of ungratefulness. No plastic surgery will conceal it. Nonetheless, even if it takes more than 9 hours, 10 hours, I will stitch those wounds up, even if it takes a lifetime, until “the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with”.

“There is something beautiful about all scars”, mine, the beautiful story of a parent’s unconditional love for their child. And their scars, beautiful, though painful scars of my mistakes, of the pain and of their forgiveness. And most especially, of their love, that constantly reminds me why mine was there in the first place.

- Carmela David

I’ve heard it from my own mother. I’ve heard it from my own sister. I’ve even heard it from a past lover and all the other ones before that. And now, I finally have the clarity and courage as I say it myself, “I am selfish.”

I may no longer wish for rock bottom since I felt the endpoint at one instant. I no longer feel like I am in a downward spiral because finally, things are starting to look up as I finally found the initiative to act upon them. Well, at least in a certain aspect of my life.

Therein lies the rub: just like any other walk in life of a non-super-woman, we tend to lose balance of things. One aspect of life becomes greater of a priority, while the others suffer the consequences. And when this happens, I take a step back, a step further, and compare the two people I could become – the one who reaches success and the failure.

Skepticism of my own character and attitude in life starts to rush as I start questioning myself left and right. There are only certain things, if any, that I will consider defeat. The type of person that I am compels me to leave no room for error. Most of all, I strive to get everything I want. I have to get everything I want. I hunger for that. I thirst for that.  And if that’s a little selfish, then I guess I am selfish.

But is it wrong to want more for myself? Is it a crime to learn to love myself a little bit more? Is it sinful to believe that being selfish is not always being corrupt, as opposed to being selfless, the ideal trait everybody wants to see? But let me tell you something. I’ve always liked the view in the driver’s seat. I’d be more than happy to take the wheel, as opposed to sit in the back seat where I have no control of my direction. Once again, is that selfish?

I read one of my favorite writer’s recent pieces, in which she said, “For the longest time, I had trouble accepting that being selfish also meant taking care of yourself – preparing yourself to be able to be selfless for the people who matter to you the most. Let’s face it, who would want to be taken care of a person who was incapable of taking care of them selves?” - Joyce

If we’ve all been selfish before, I am sure we’ve all had our share of being selfless as well. I’ve always been the one to lock away my problems when I am with others, whether they’re family, friends or even significant others, and open the vault only when I am alone. As easy as it may seem to write my feelings down on paper for the entire world wide web to see, I find it most difficult to express them with the people closest to me. Ironic, isn’t it?

While I keep it to myself, I’ve also allowed myself to accept and be open to others, letting people come to me, trusting that I can somehow fix their own problems. And with the help of the mask I wear, nobody has a damn clue of what I am going through. And while this masquerade ball goes on, my own vault fills and it gets out of hand.

But even after realizing that, I keep dancing like I didn’t notice. 

I am slowly realizing that the world isn’t my burden. I am no superhero and I can’t tend to other people’s problems before mine. I can’t work day in and day out, watching over everyone while I fail to save some for myself. I can’t leave myself in the shadows just because I don’t want to seem selfish in other people’s eyes when it’s my turn for the spotlight.

If wanting more for myself is an act of selfishness, then I am selfish. But I have to take the chance of finding a way to my own happiness. I’ve also realized that not everyone shares the same perception and not everyone will understand. And though it breaks my heart for breaking other people, I can’t allow myself to be stuck in the same rut when I know I am strong enough to rise above it. I had to make a decision. I can’t settle. I won’t settle.

I might be selfish, but I am not a bad person. I just need to focus on myself and my sake only. I’ve realized that I’ve been selling myself short of what I truly deserve for the longest time. Not only love from others, but most importantly, I’ve been depriving love for myself. It’s about time to take regard of just me and the things I need to accomplish. And while I live my life this way, needing the time to find myself and to find my own happiness, I just hope that people will remember the times I didn’t for their sake.

“I’m being selfish to be selfless to the ones that already see me as something worth in their lives and ultimately, for the ones who remember the selfless when I’m being selfish.” - Joyce

- Carmela David